


untitled (waking up)

by peachygreen (fairiesbyte)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, But fluffy ending, Character Study, Gen, I promise, M/M, fite me, implied depression, implied mental health issues, major angst, parent!phan, yes their daughter is named susan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-12-31 19:29:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12139494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairiesbyte/pseuds/peachygreen
Summary: when had dan stopped being happy?





	untitled (waking up)

_Scene 1: in which one, Daniel Howell, realizes his life is quite different than he believed it to be_

 

School then soccer then ballet then theater then back home, Dan was beginning so feel a bit like a chauffeur for his daughter Susie.Phil, that lucky spoon, had never learned to drive, and therefore, got to stay at home and watch anime while Dan ferried their 8 year old daughter across London every evening.Logically, Dan knew that Phil was probably editing, not watching anime, but his overtired, bitter mind wasn’t choosing to be logical. 

Dan loved his daughter, so much, but as she chattered nonstop in the backseat while Dan slowly drove them home through the seemingly endless London traffic, he just wished desperately for some peace and quiet.

“And then Jeremy H. told her that she shouldn’t brag so much, and I agreed because she brags quite a lot.I don’t care about how her mother bought her a polly-plays-a-lot for her birthday…well not a million bajillion times!But still I told Jeremy to cut it out because those are the rules of best friendship…” and she continued on and on.Dan’s eyes drooped then snapped open as a bicycle swerved in front of his car.He slammed on the breaks and honked.

“Hey!” He yelled, but the man just cycled off, flipping him off.“Fucking…” Dan mumbled under his breath so his daughter couldn’t hear.

“Dad?”Susie asked, leaning up to look at him in the front seat.“Did you hear me?You have to come to class on Wednesday and help Mr. Thompson get my costume.”

“Oh,” Dan sighed internally, “alright.Is there a recital coming up soon?”

“Yes! I was just telling you!”Susie sounded exasperated.“Our All Hallows Eve concert is next week!That’s why I’ve been practicing at home so hard.”She crossed her little arms.

“Oh that’s great honey!”Dan replied absently.Why hadn’t he known that?That Susie had been practicing for something so hard.He guessed that he’d been a bit too busy disappearing to his office as soon as he got home and browsing the internet for half the night. 

He just…hadn’t noticed.

He hadn’t noticed much about his daughter lately, he realized with something like a shiver running down his back as he braked again.His insides felt cold, was this who he was becoming?His parents loved him as a child, he knew, but they never seemed to show it quite as much as Dan had longed for them to. 

Was he doomed to repeat the same parenting cycle?

“Daddy’s been helping me practice all my moves in the lounge.He says I dance better than anyone he’s ever seen!” 

Dan stared straight ahead.“That’s wonderful baby, I’m sure you’ll outshine everyone else on stage.”The rest of the car ride passed in a blur, Susie chattering away about the various skill levels of the kids in her class. 

As they got out of the car in front of their townhouse, Dan tried to put his dark thoughts out of his mind.He was probably over exaggerating everything in his exhausted state.

“Daddy!”Susie yelled and ran into Phil’s arms as soon as Dan unlocked the door.

“Susie Susie Lou, how do you do?”Phil laughed as he picked up their daughter and swung her around a bit. 

Dan stood back in the doorway a bit and smiled fondly.See…nothing was wrong.They were a happy, perfect family.

“We’re practicing our dances again!And Mr. Thompson told me I was doing really really well!"Susie exclaimed as Phil set her down on the counter and gave her some crisps as a snack.

“I knew you were!”Phil responded, a gigantic grin on his face. 

“I’ll practice extra hard every night Daddy!I want to be the best dancer in the world!”Susie exclaimed, jumping and almost falling off the counter.

“Woaah,” Phil steadied her.“You can do whatever you believe Susie Lou, but know I’ll be proud of you no matter what,” he rubbed his nose against her tiny one and Dan felt something warm flutter up in his stomach.

“I knew you would say that,” Susie giggled.“I told dad you thought I was the best in the world.”

“Oh did you?”Phil turned and met Dan’s eyes.There was a small smile on his face, but for some reason it didn’t feel like the emotion reached his eyes.Dan felt something like uncertainty drip down his back in a cold shiver.

“Yeah, he didn’t know we practiced here at night, or that my recital was coming up!”Susie pouted and Phil’s brows furrowed, his eyes still locked on Dan’s.Dan felt like he was trapped in place, pinned under the proof that he hadn’t been as attentive as a good father would have been.As Phil had been.

“Well, your dad can be forgetful sometimes.” Phil turned away and Dan sighed in relief, but he also felt lost.Like Phil’s blue eyes had been the tether keeping him tied to the docks, and now he was floating away in a storm.

Dan shook his head, what was happening to him?

“Please, please a show before dinner?”Susie was whining at Phil as she finished up her snack and scampered over into the lounge.

“Alright,” Phil chuckled, following her into the room and turning on one of their many Disney movies.

As he watched his daughter and husband get excited over the beginning of Tangled, Dan finally stepped out of the doorway and made his way into the kitchen and began to make cup of coffee.His hands moved on autopilot.Coffee, cream, sugar.Soon enough he had a mug of steaming coffee in his hand, but all he could do is stare.How long had it been since he’d made Phil a cup of coffee, since he’d spent time with Phil.

“Uh oh, those are some existential crisis eyes,” Dan startled as Phil slipped into the room, some coffee slopping over onto his hand.

He sucked in air through his teeth.

“Oops,” Phil rushed to get him a cold rag to wipe the scalding liquid off.“Sorry, that was my fault.Didn’t mean to surprise you.”

“No, its alright” Dan said, feeling too big for his own skin, uncomfortable with Phil so close to him.“Why do you say that though?I haven’t had an existential crisis in years.”

“Yeah I know,” Phil laughed a little and backed up to the other side of the kitchen, the dirty rag twisting around and around in his long, thin fingers.“You just seemed to be thinking hard about something.”

“Oh,” Dan took a sip of his coffee, relishing the burn of it down his throat.They were silent for a moment, Dan’s eyes locked on the floor tiles and Phil’s looking out the window.“Do you miss it?”Dan blurted out, his eyes darting up to meet his husband’s.“My existential crises?”

Phil’s eyebrows furrowed and a slightly confused smile flitted across his face.“Do I miss you staring at a wall for hours, trying to decide if life was worth living?”He laughed a little uncomfortably and Dan looked away.“I can’t say that I do.”

“Oh.”When was the last time Dan had even thought about the universe?Thought about anything other than the present moment. “I, um…”

“I’m just going to make some dinner for Susie,” Phil interrupted, setting the rag on the counter behind him and wiping his hands on the legs of his old, fading, (slightly too skinny for a 41 year old) jeans. 

“Okay,I’m going to-“

“Go to your room and scroll through tumblr until 4 in the morning,” Phil laughed.“Not that much has changed in the last ten years Dan.”

But it had.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Scene 2: in which our main character realizes he’s been living in a stagnant state, and longs for the ease of his past_

 

Dan’s eyes stung as he tore himself away from the screen to look at the clock. 

2:00 am it blinked, a dull, glowing, red.He rubbed the bridge of his nose and pushed away his cold, half empty cup of coffee.It hadn’t seemed like 6 hours since he’d sat down.Dan stretched his arms above his head and sat up in his desk chair.Apparently, 6 hours passed easily when you were staring at your own face.

Dan hadn’t sat down that night intending to rewatch his and Phil’s old videos.But then again, he never did, and it still managed to happen almost every night.There was something mesmerizing in watching you and your husband’s happy, young faces giggle at each other as they controlled the life of a sim.There was a light behind his eyes that Dan hadn’t seen in the mirror in a long time and a fondness in Phil’s gaze that he hadn’t realized he missed.

Dan supposed he watched the videos because they made him feel…something.And something was a lot more than he’d been feeling lately.

He could almost remember the rush that would flow through his chest when they drew those stupid fucking whiskers on each other’s faces. 

Dan ran a hand through his tangled, greying hair.He was 37. He hadn’t made a YouTube video in 10 years. 

Phil and him had decided to stop after the pressure of it had seeped into their relationship.They hadn’t been able to separate their personas from themselves anymore.

So they’d quit YouTube.

People had been disappointed of course, millions of people had been.But Dan and Phil had decided they didn’t _need_ YouTube.Phil had his masters degree after all. 

And Dan had…ideas.

Phil had found an editing job with the BBC Three YouTube channel soon enough, but Dan…didn’t.In fact, he didn’t find anything for months, years.Most companies seemed not to want to hire a college dropout who’s major accomplishments were having subscribers.

But it didn’t matter to Dan because his and Phil’s relationship was flourishing, it was perfect.They could finally be comfortable in themselves and their marriage the way they never thought they could be. 

Dan had tried to push away the parts of him that needed more.

Adopting Susie had seemed like the perfect solution.Dan had always wanted to spend time with whatever children he had, so having a job didn’t even matter anymore.

And raising Susie was wonderful.

And Phil was wonderful.

And Dan was…not wonderful.Apparently.

Dan clenched his fists and tugged on his too long hair. _Was he not happy?Was that the problem?Why?His life was fucking perfect!_

_Why couldn’t he be fucking satisfied!_

It seemed that muttering under his breath was a habit he’s never grown out of because Dan heard Phil moving in the next room.

Dan slowly uncurled his fingers and rested them on his thighs, his head hanging.He felt like he’d been asleep for the past 5 years and was waking up to realize that his life was a completely different place than he thought.Like… for his whole life he’d needed glasses and never realized, so when he finally put on some frames, the world was disturbingly detailed. 

Dan’s limbs felt heavy, and he eyed the sofa in the corner of the room.Despite having slept there for most of the past few months, the rumpled sheet and throw pillow didn’t seem an appealing choice.

Phil stirred as Dan stepped through the doorway their bedroom, his blue eyes flashing in the moonlight as he levered himself up on his pillow.

“Tumblr couldn’t hold your attention?”His voice was rough and tired and Dan felt nervousness swirl through his stomach.

“Um not really, no,” Dan replied softly, stepping a little further into the room.“Just more of the same.”

Phil hummed and his eyes drifted shut as he rubbed his forehead with the back of his wrist, his dyed black hair and unruly mess on his head.“Well I’m sure it’ll be better tomorrow.”He turned over and settled on his pillow away from Dan.“Try to get some sleep.” The older man’s voice was colored with exhaustion and the small part of Dan couldn’t help but feel that it was exhaustion with him.

Which wouldn’t be irrational, he thought uneasily as he carefully climbed into bed behind his husband, gingerly covering himself with the duvet.Dan had been checked out.He had been living this unhappy, grey life focused on nothing but himself, not even present enough to pay attention to his own daughter.Dan would be exhausted with himself as well.

But could he really change anything?Maybe not, Dan thought, as he stared at the delicate skin between Phil’s shoulder blades.But he had to try.

Dan didn’t remember his eyelids shutting, but the next time he opened them he was watching a beam of late morning light dance across wrinkled, empty sheets.His heart leaped and he yanked the tangled sheets off his legs as he jumped out of bed.He’d fucking over slept, Jesus Christ on a pogo stick he thought as he pushed open the door and ran down the stairs, only to find Phil cooking calmly run the kitchen.

“I’m sorry!”Dan panted, “I’ll-“

“Its fine,” Phil turned to him with a smile, chuckling.“I took her to school, and I turned off your alarm.You needed the sleep.”

“Oh,” Dan collapsed into one the kitchen chairs.He could tell Phil needed the sleep as well, maybe more than he did.All Dan did all day was drive and go on the internet…Phil had an actual job.He felt hot shame flood his chest.“You didn’t have to—“

“But I wanted to,” Phil replied, a strange look on his face as he bent his head over his frying eggs.“I’ll always want to take care of you.”

Dan’s breath caught in his throat, before yesterday, a comment like that would have just passed over his head.But now, it felt like a knife.“I don’t—“He bent his head and swallowed.“Phil…I…”

Phil turned his face away and laughed in a way that was so obviously forced.“Sorry…” he cleared his throat.“That was—“

“Phil.”Dan blurted loudly, his mouth moving faster than his mind.Phil jumped at the noise, then was very still.

“Yeah?”He whispered.

Dan clenched his fists.“I haven’t…been here.”His knuckles turned white.“Have I?”

“No,” Phil said, still turned away.“You haven’t.”

Dan watched the wind blowing dark clouds through the window.There was a storm coming.He felt something jittery make a home in his chest and all the sudden he felt…angry.

“Why?”He said through gritted teeth.“Why am I not happy, why am I not satisfied?” He banged his fist on the table and Phil jumped, whirling around and leaning against the counter behind him, gripping the edge of the granite in his large, pale hands.His blue eyes cut into Dan.

“I’ve…” Phil started, then dropped his gaze to the tile floor.“For years Dan I’ve tried to…” he paused, licking his lips, “figure it out.To help you…”Dan felt like his heart was going to beat right out of his chest, he wished he could see Phil’s expression.“But Dan, you’re unsatisfied with your life.I’ve tried so many ways to make you happy, but it just doesn’t work.”Dan almost felt a satisfaction in the anger that crept into Phil’s voice.“Nothing makes you happy anymore,” he said.

But Dan could read in his expression that what he really meant was, ‘why don’t I make you happy anymore.’

Dan didn’t know why.He didn’t know why he didn’t seem to be in control of his mind anymore.His nails bit into the flesh of his palms and his heart felt like it was galloping in his chest.“It’s easy for you,” he ground out, forcing his head up to meet Phil’s frightened eyes,“you have a degree and a job.You’re doing something worthwhile.I’m not even fit to care for our daughter, I can’t even fucking do that simple thing.”

“That’s not true,” Phil shook his head and took a step forward, “you’re doing something worthwhile too, you’re caring for yourself and Susie—“

“But I’m not!”Dan yelled and Phil fell silent and they stared at each other in silence until the scent of smoke filled the kitchen.

“Shit,” Phil said, turning around and frantically pulling the eggs off the stove and dumping them in the sink.Dan examined the wood grain of the table as Phil ran water over the mess.The older man heaved a sigh and leaned his arms on the counter, head hanging over the sink.

“I just want you to be happy,” he said softly, his voice almost cracking.“It’s what I’ve always wanted.And I know that this…” he paused and stood up, rubbing his pale hands across his tired face.“I know that I’m not what you want anymore.”Phil turned around and met Dan’s wide brown eyes steadily, “If it’s what will make you happy, I’ll even get you some divorce papers.Just…” Phil swallowed.“Just let me know.”

Dan had so many things he wanted to say, but the words felt caught in his throat.So he just stared at Phil, feeling as if everything was spinning around him and it was Phil’s gaze that was keeping him from falling apart. 

But he must have been silent for too long because Phil cleared his throat, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.  
“Well, I have…work to do,” and he was out of the room before Dan could even speak up.

“Are divorce papers what you want?”Dan whispered to the empty room.All that answered was the sound of rain on the window.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Scene 3: in which sometimes relief comes from the most unlikely of places_

 

Dan wished he could say the next two days passed by in a blur, but they didn’t.It seemed that once the dull grey curtain was ripped away from his life, everything was in startling, _painful_ clarity.

When he drove Susie to her soccer practice, he couldn’t help but listen to and absorb every single thing she said.But if she noticed a difference, she didn’t mention it.

Phil hadn’t spoken directly to him since he’d left the kitchen that day and Dan almost felt relieved.He didn’t even know what he would say if Phil brought it up again.

So he avoided the house, which led to him going to Starbucks quite a few times and even taking a walk in the nearby park. 

He’d forgotten how much him and Phil (despite their branding saying otherwise) had gone out to things like restaurants and coffee shops.The background chatter and smells of pastries felt like a familiar coat Dan was putting back on after having lost it years ago. 

But despite getting used to people again, Dan still wasn't feeling up to talking to anyone, so when he remembered he had to go in and talk to Susie’s ballet teacher Wednesday evening, he wasn’t exactly feeling enthusiastic. 

“So what does he want to talk to me about?” Dan asked again as the little girl dragged him into the building by his coat sleeve. 

“He needs to see what costume sizes I need.”She answered, exasperation coloring her young voice. _Fuck_ , Dan didn’t know anything about her sizes.“Daddy gave me this sheet of paper for you though, because he didn’t think you would know.” She waved the post it above her head and Dan plucked it from her little fingers.

“Well, I’m flattered by your Daddy’s confidence in me.”Dan said absently, something uncomfortable fluttering in his stomach at Phil’s messy handwriting.

“Daddy has a ton of confidence in you,” Susie said, giving Dan a strange look.“He says you’re the smartest man in the whole world.” 

“Oh,” Dan felt like he’d just had the wind knocked out of him.“He does, does he?”But he didn’t have time to think about it too much because Susie was leading him into her classroom.

Little girls ran around in pink leotards, pulling their haggard looking parents behind them.Halloween decorations were sprinkled around the classroom, but mostly congregated around one corner where most of the parents were standing, spiderwebbed tutus in their hands. 

A young man stood among the parents, hands full of measuring tapes and fabric.He threw his head back as he laughed and Dan found himself, for the first time, jealous of someone’s youth.

When had he gotten old?

“Dad!”Susie yanked on his arm and Dan shook his thoughts away.“Come on!We have to get my costume!”

“Alright, alright,” Dan laughed as she pulled him toward the young man.

“This is Mr. Thompson,” Susie said as the man turned to them.

“Wait, I thought your teacher was Mr. Chamberlain,” Dan looked at his daughter, confused.

“I took over from Mr. Chamberlain when he retired,” the man said in a cheerful voice, sticking out a hand.“I’ve met your husband, but I’ve never spoken to you before.My name’s Jonathan Thompson, its a pleasure teaching your daughter.”

Dan shook his hand and smiled.“Oh-“

“He’s the best teacher ever Dad!”Susie interrupted, jumping around the two men.

“And Susie’s one of my favorite students,” Jonathan smiled, a dimple popping out.Damn, Dan thought, if only his dimples had ever looked that good.“So today I just need to make sure that Susie’s going to get the right size costume.”

“Okay,” Dan responded, pulling the note from Phil out of his pocket.“Phil wrote this out.Hopefully its everything you’ll need.”

“Oh this is excellent,” Jonathan responding, taking the post it and flipping through the costumes in his arms.The he paused.“I just have to say,” a blush stained his cheeks, “I know this is really awkward, but I wanted to let you know that I was a really big fan of yours back in the day.”His eyes darted toward Dan and quickly went back to what he was doing.

“Oh,” Dan smiled awkwardly, “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

Susie ran off to play with some other girls and Jonathan looked back up.

“If its not overstepping my boundaries, and…” he laughed a little, shoulders hunching, “you obviously don’t owe me a response.But, why did you stop making videos?You and Phil just stopped out of nowhere one day… Hashtag, where’s Dan and Phil, was trending on and off for months.”

Dan’s mouth suddenly felt like it was full of cotton and he slowly licked his dry lips.“Well, um…”

“Oh I’m so sorry,” Jonathan’s eyes widened.“I didn’t mean to put you on the spot or anything, I know you just came you pick up your daughter’s costume.”

“No, no,” Dan shook his head and forced out a chuckle, “its alright.We were just ready for something different.”

“Oh yeah, I totally get that.” Jonathan nodded his head frantically, hair flopping down onto his forehead.“So what have you been doing since then?”The younger mans eyes were eager and Dan could definitely tell he used to be a fan.

“Um, things—“

“Mr. Thompson, Mr. Thompson!”The voices of young children rung out from all around then.

“Its time for class, Mr. Thompson!”Susie called and Dan smiled, she was such a little over achiever. 

“You’re right, of course, of course,” the man laughed as he began to walk toward the front of the class.“It was great talking to you Mr. Howell-Lester!”He called behind him and Dan raised one hand awkwardly in a half-wave.

“You too.”

Some of the parents opted to stay and watch the class, but Dan decided to wait in the lobby.As he folded his long, noodle body into one of the plastic chairs, he pulled his phone from his pocket.

Why _didn’t_ him and Phil make videos again?

Probably because of the same reasons they quit in the first place.Too much pressure, a constant online persona, _and_ they had to keep their relationship a secret.

_But was any of that true now the they were older and more mature?_

Dan sighed, that probably didn’t even matter anyway.Even if they did make videos again, would there even be an audience left who would be interested?

The man flicked open his phone and absentmindedly flipped through the apps, pausing as his finger hovered over the Twitter app.Should he check?

He hesitantly clicked (eyes darting around the room as if someone would see and judge him)and he logged out of his personal account, typing in the username and password for @danielhowell, an account that hadn’t been logged into in the last ten years.

When he opened his profile page, he was shocked to find it filled with millions of new followers and notifications.His follower count had jumped from a hefty 8 million, to a grand total of 12 million in the last ten years, and when he checked Phil’s page he saw the situation was much the same. 

It seemed that even in the years after they’d disappeared, they’d gained followers for the pure mystery of them…two YouTubers in the height of their career, disappearing from the internet one day with no explanation.His mentions were _full_ of people asking where he’d gone.

Dan hardly noticed that an hour and half had passed until he heard Susie’s voice as she skipped out of the classroom with her friends.He yanked his gaze away from the phone and hurriedly stuffed it in his pocket, feeling as if he’d been doing something forbidden. 

“Ready to go babe?”He asked, his breath coming a little too quickly to be natural.Susie nodded and jumped over to him and latching onto his hand once again.“Did you have a good lesson?”He asked as they headed out to their car.

“Yes, but Mr. Thompson says I need to practice my _fuettes_ a little more.”She sighed and Dan looked down at his daughter, her curly ginger hair tucked into a messy bun which she’d probably done herself.Her mouth was set in a pout and Dan felt something tug in his chest uncomfortably. 

Dan stopped and Susie looked up at him, her thin eyebrows furrowed in confusion.He looked down.“You know…”he paused and swallowed.“I don’t know much about ballet, or _fuettes_ , but I could…help you practice if you wanted.”

Susie was silent for a second, then she looked away.“That’s okay Dad,” she said, “Daddy will help me.” 

“Okay,” Dan cleared his throat and started walking again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Scene 4: in which Dan tries_

 

The next few weeks passed…strangely. 

Dan didn’t do much.He went out to Starbucks as he had been, walked around London, etc.But he also spent a lot more time trying to bond with his daughter.At Susie’s ballet lesson, he’d been confronted with the fact that he hadn’t been being a father.So instead of tiredly driving her too and from school, he took her to get ice cream, he told her stories, he talked to her about Phil. 

He was trying, and he could tell it was helping a lot.Suddenly, Susie was laughing at his jokes, hugging him, trying to hold his hand instead of tugging on it. 

But the biggest change he saw was when he was walking her to her theater rehearsal.She let go of his hand to walk inside and he’d tugged her into a hug, saying into her soft hair, “I love you Susie, have a good practice.”

Her freckled face had lit up in the biggest smile, and she’d squeezed him tight, whispering “I love you too dad.”

Dan couldn’t stop smiling as she walked away, but as he stood there, the smile faded.Had that been the first time he’d told her he loved her? _Surely not._ He’d told her every minute when she was small.

But it must have been the first time in a while.

Phil was also treating him differently.They still didn’t speak directly, but when they ate dinner together in the evenings, he could often catch Phil looking at him with a strange look.Dan still didn’t try to speak to him though, he wouldn’t until he’d changed.Because if he still acted the same way, how was he ever going to convince Phil he still needed him.

The time that Dan didn’t spend trying to learn to be human again, he spent nervously staring at his unopened twitter app. 

Would it be so bad to take another look?Dan thought to himself one night in bed about two weeks later.Phil was fast asleep beside him but Dan was sat up in bed playing games on his phone because he couldn’t sleep.

Quickly, impulsively, Dan tapped on his twitter app.And when he did, he was a assaulted by a barrage of notifications, all variations on the same message… _dan is back._

Dan’s stomach dropped.What had made them think that? He clicked over to his account and found that when he had fumbled to get his phone into his pocket 2 weeks ago, he had accidentally liked something.And not just anything, he’d liked a post asking for him and Phil to make videos again. 

How was he supposed to explain this away?It was obvious he’d been on twitter, and it was obvious he’d been looking at posts asking for him to come back.What excuse could he make?

_But wait._

Why did he have to make an excuse?Dan yanked his eyes away from the dimly lit screen and looked down at his husband next to him.Phil’s pale skin shone in the ambient moonlight. Lightly freckled back flowed into a narrow neck, thinning, dyed black hair falling into his distinctive face.Dan’s heart clenched watching Phil’s thick eyelashes brush the translucent skin of his cheeks.

Why didn’t they make videos again?

Phil was busy sure, but not too busy to make a video once in a while.And Dan…

Dan was doing nothing except sitting stagnant unable to do anything _but_ make videos. 

This wouldn’t be like last time, Dan could feel excitement rising in his chest.They would start with complete honesty about their marriage and child.Susie of course, would be mostly left out of everything…

But would people even watch 2 almost middle aged men after all these years? 

Before he could psych himself out, Dan looked back at his phone and began to type out a tweet.

_Hypothetically_ , it read, _if I were to make a video…would anyone be interested in watching it?_

Dan dropped his phone on the bed next to him and sunk down into the pillows, heart racing.He bit his lips and stared at a the ceiling for a moment before hesitantly picking up his phone and unlocking it.

There were already thousands of responses, all variations on ‘yes!!!!!!’And Dan could hardly feel the smile growing on his face as he set his phone down beside him. He looked at his husband for a moment, blinding grin painted on his facd and he leaned over, brushing a piece of hair from Phil’s face. Maybe there was something he could do to change.

Phil snuffled a little and Dan’s heart melted as one of his cerulean eyes slitted open.Dan didn’t take his hand away from his face though and finished brushing the strand into the rest of Phil’s hair.

“S’ late,” Phil whispered, his words slurred with sleep.Dan slowly drew his hand away and gentled his smile.

“I’ll sleep soon,” he whispered.

Phil smiled sleepily.“Good,” he gave a tiny yawn, “sleep is good.”

“Yeah,” Dan breathed and laid down fully on the pillows facing Phil, “it is.”

Phil sighed a little and turned his face a little more into the pillow, so his words were muffled when he whispered again.“I hope you have nice dreams,” he said on a sigh.

Dan’s chest felt warm. “You too Phil.”

Dan loved this man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Scene 5: in which Dan and Phil actually talk_

 

Dan’s tweet accumulated hundreds of thousands of likes and retweets and responses over the course of the next week. 

It basically went viral, and it got to the point where Dan was almost afraid of his friends finding out and approaching him about it.Luckily, he hadn’t really kept in contact with many of his social media friends and most people he knew in real life didn’t really keep up with twitter.

Though, some of his old youtube friends had definitely chimed in.He’d gotten a “I just fainted! Is this Daniel Howell I’m seeing on my tl?You better be making videos boy!”from Tyler Oakley and variations on that theme form most of the internet.

It was a little overwhelming to say the least, but it made him feel something, and that was his end goal.It only solidified his belief that this was the right thing to do.

He tried to put it all out of his mind though, because time had passed faster than he’d expected and they were coming up on Susie’s dance recital.The tinny sounds of monster mash coming through phone speakers seemed to be eternal background noise in their house and Susie was constantly prancing around, practicing her leaps and twirls.

A month ago it would have annoyed him to no end, his daughter’s squeals and husband’s laughter disrupting the quiet of the house. 

But now…

Now it felt like a warm blanket wrapped around him, like a hug given to him on a bad day.

It was exactly what he needed.

So he joined in.He helped Susie stretch her leg above her head and caught her other hand she she stumbled in the midst of a dance move.And if his eyes met Phil’s with slightly less hesitance than before, he wasn’t going to say anything about it.

Since his required visit to Susie’s class, Dan had tried to avoid Jonathon and his youthful exuberance.Knowing his luck, Mr. Thompson had seen his tweet and would comment on it next time they spoke.So Dan, being as he was, avoided that conversation all together.And if he had to wait in his car as Susie walked out of her class and drive away as fast as he could when he got her, so be it.

Soon enough, the night of her performance crept up on them. 

“Don’t forget your shoes!”Dan hollered at Susie as she ran up the stairs, but she just nodded in response.Dan turned around, their camera equipment in his hands.Their house looked like a disaster zone.He sighed.

“Got everything?”Phil asked as he stepped into the living room, Susie’s dance bag swung over his shoulder.Phil’s coat was stylish, his glasses clean and eyes tired.His hair was carefully coiffed, a bit of salt and pepper peeking through the black dye.He made a beautiful picture, but he felt so far away, and something about the warm lamplight created an intimacy that now seemed out of place between them.

“Yeah,” Dan said, pulling his eyes away from his husband and watches Susie as she scampered back down the stares, her ballet shoes clutched in her little hands.

“Ready!”She exclaimed, darting past Dan and Phil to reach the door.

Phil just looked at Dan for a minute, and his searching stare felt both welcome and frightening at the same time.So Dan stared back. 

It felt like they were locked in a battle of wills, except Dan didn't even know what they were fighting about.

Finally Phil glanced down and cleared his throat, looking up again through his eyelashes as if he was about to speak.

“Come on!”Susie yelled, poking her head back through the door, practically bouncing up and down with excitement.

Dan forced out a hollow laugh but didn’t fake his fond smile as he turned his back on his husband and followed his daughter out the door.

The car ride was quiet, Dan drove silently as Phil stared out the window at the eternally rainy London streets.Even Susie seemed to sense the tension and he exuberance dimmed a bit as she kicked her feet in the back seat.

Luckily, when they arrived at the theater, the hustle and bustle of backstage left no time for tension.Susie was swept away in a herd of little girls quickly enough and Phil and Dan were left standing awkwardly in a bare hallway, feeling almost like abandoned children.

Dan glanced at Phil, but when he saw the other’s were focused on him, he averted his eyes.

“I’ve been…” Dan started, then stopped when he realized he didn’t know what to say next.

“I know,” Phil replied quietly, looking determinedly away from his husband.

Dan swallowed.“Phil…I-“

“Dan!Phil!”

Dan felt dread pool in his stomach and he squeezed his eyes shut against the sight of Susie’s teacher striding towards them.

“Hi Jonathan!”Dan looked up at the ceiling as Phil stepped forward to shake Mr. Thompson’s hand.“I haven’t seen you in quite some time.How’ve you been?”

“Oh busy, you know how it is,”He smiled back and the two men laughed for a minute, Jonathan’s white teeth glinting in the fluorescent lights.Dan clenched his fists and prayed that Jonathan had been taking a break from twitter for the last few weeks.

“But enough about me,” continued, smiling brightly.“How’ve you two been?I saw Dan’s tweet.”

Dan wanted to curl up and die.Phil glanced at him confused.“Dan’s…tweet?”

“Oh yeah,” the dance teacher practically gushed.“The internet is going crazy for it!I can’t believe Daniel Howell-Lester is going to be making videos again!”

“He’s going to be-“The man sputtered.“What?”Phil stared in astonishment at Dan, but he could only stare at Phil in shock and horror.

“I’m so excited for what you’re going to do next,” Jonathan continued, seemingly unaware of the storm that was brewing between the two men.

“Thank you so much for your support Jonathan,” Dan blurted out in a rush, grabbing Phil’s hand tightly in his and beginning to drag him away.“We’ll talk to you after the performance!”

“Yeah it was great seeing you!”The dance teacher yelled in response despite Dan speedily yanking his husband out of the hallway.

“Dan, what—“

“ _Not now Phil!_ ”Dan ground out, slamming out of the building and turning in a frantic circle, trying to find the audience entrance.

“What do you mean _not now Phi_ l?!”Phil growled, gripping Dan’s shoulder and forcing him still.“Dan, stop.”He took a deep breath, anger in his eyesas thunder roared in the sky.Dan looked up and saw dark clouds roiling overhead.Rain was coming.“What’s going on?”Phil asked slowly.“I know that’s something I should have asked a long time ago,”he blue eyes felt like a lance pinning Dan in place. “But I was afraid.I was afraid you were going to leave me.But I’m not afraid anymore.”Slow, fat raindrops started to fall from the angry sky.“I don’t care if you need to leave to be happy, I just want to know what’s going on.”Dan’s mouth felt as dry as bone and Phil’s eyebrows furrowed behind his water stained glasses.“What are you thinking?What was that about?What did he mean by tweet—“

“Phil…” Dan choked out and he blinked in shock, bringing his hand up to his eyes and realizing he was crying.But he just shook his head.“Phil…I we don’t have time now because the recital starts in five minutes but…”dan ducked his head and let out a strangled sounding laugh.“I love you,” he whispered, the raw sound of it almost carried away by the wind.But Phil’s sharp intake of breath made it clear that he had heard.Dan screwed his eyes shut, unable to look while he said the rest.“I don’t want to leave, I never want to leave.But,” his voice was shaking with emotion and he opened his eyes, just letting the tears run down his race and mix with the rain as his eyes met Phil’s.“I’m not happy,” he sobbed.“I haven’t been happy for years and I don’t know why, I wish I knew why.”

“Dan—“ Phil reached forward, but Dan stumbled back, wiping his eyes and gritting his teeth.

“No, let me finish,” he gritted his teeth and firmed his chin.“I haven’t been a good husband, and I haven’t been a good father.”Dan could see tears running down Phil’s face now too, but for both their sakes, he would pretend it was the rain.“And I want to be,” his voice was ragged.“I want to be good to you, I want to be good to Susie.”Dan looked at the ground and back up again, pursing his lips.“But I need your help.”

“Okay,” Phil whispered, and Dan felt something like relief run down his back, alleviating a weight he hadn't even been aware he’d been carrying.

“Okay.”

 

 

 

 

_Scene 6: in which all things end_

 

Susie was wonderful in her dance recital.She twirled and pranced and leaped unlike anything Dan had seen before, and when the performance was done, he was the first to stand up and applaud. 

There was also a sense of comfort between him and Phil that hadn’t been there for at least 5 years, if not more.When their hands brushed over the dance program, they just smiled, rather than awkwardly pulling away.And when Susie came running up to them and jumped into Phil’s open arms, she pulled Dan into the hug too. 

Dan felt such a sense of acceptance and warmth in that hug.And as his face was pressed against his daughter’s back and his arms around his husband’s shoulders, he realized the warmth he was feeling was _happiness_.

“Dad, what’s wrong?”Susie asked and Dan hastily wiped the tears from his face.Phil gave him an understanding but still slightly hesitant smile.

“Oh nothing, nothing, baby.”He let out a little giggle.“I'm just happy.”

“Oh," she laughed, “me too!” 

The drive home was quiet again, but in a different sort of way.Susie was humming in the back seat. Phil was looking sleepily out the window and Dan just couldn’t stop smiling.Their mood even continued into the house, the lamps and candlelight igniting even more of a sense of comfort in Dan. 

He lingered over tucking Susie in, reading her stories and hugging her for a long time.He told himself it was because he was making up for the lost time, but the truth was that he was still dreading being alone with Phil.He may have poured his heart out, but Phil hadn’t responded and Dan felt himself unsure of what Phil would say.So when he slowly shut the door to his daughter’s room and stepped into the kitchen his heart raced.

Phil stood at the counter, making a cup of tea, and Dan stared longingly at him.Their positions were a little too reminiscent of the last conversation they’d had in the kitchen, but something about the set of Phil’s shoulders and the way he hummed a little song as he poured set some of Dan’s fears to rest. 

“So…”

“Um-“ 

Dan let out a little laugh and met Phil’s wry eyes.“You go first,” Dan said quietly and Phil turned back to his tea, sucking in a deep breath.

“I looked at your twitter,” He said simply, and Dan closed his eyes and sighed. 

There was silence for a moment as Phil stirred sugar into his tea.

“I just—“ Dan started.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”Phil turned around, setting two cups of tea on the table and sitting down.He looked meaningfully at his husband and the other seat and Dan dragged himself over to sit across from him.“I’m not mad,” Phil continued, when dan still didn’t say anything.“I just…” He sighed.“If this is what you were thinking, why didn’t you tell me?”

Dan stared into his mug and swirled the brown liquid around.The he sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. 

“I didn’t even know,” Dan whispered, looking at Phil underneath his eyelashes.“I didn’t know that’s what I wanted.I didn’t even know I wasn’t happy.I just…”He blew out a long breath and shrugged.“I just couldn’t see myself doing anything else.”

“Dan,” Phil reached across the table to grip Dan’s hand.“I love you so much,”Dan’s breath caught in his throat and a blush spread across his cheeks, but Phil just continued with a fond smile on his face.“I want you to be happy, I’ve always wanted you to be happy.And if making videos is what makes you happy, I never would have supported us stopping in the first place.”

“I think it is,”Dan said softly and Phil let out a little laugh.

“Then let’s make a video,”he picked up his tea and took a sip, his blue eyes glinting with joy in a way that reminded Dan of years past.

Dan wondered if there was anyone in the world as beautiful as Phil Lester.

Probably not.

 

 

 

 

_epilogue_

 

They’d waited a few weeks, sending tweets incrementally and spending hours planning what they were going to say.But when the time came in was the easiest thing in the world.

“Hello Internet,” Dan said, looking over at Phil with fondness in his eyes.

It felt like coming home.

 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twitter @lyinghoedan


End file.
